Monday, 16 May 2016

Pivot on this, you divot

One of the most aggravating things about my new employment is the lingo. I have no idea if it's a PR thing but:

  • we don't contact or email people, we reach out to them
  • we don't agree, we align with each other 

and most annoyingly:

  • we don't change direction, we pivot.
These things aren't just wrong, they are utterly pointless - they are (mostly) longer than the plain way of speaking and they really add nothing. 

Does anyone have any idea where this rubbish came from, so I can reach out to the original perpetrator with a machine gun?

Friday, 24 July 2015

I'm just nipping to the loo

It's quite depressing listening to myself at times, thanks to some verbal tics I overuse. Everything is either 'super' or 'fabulous', which is annoying enough but I've recently noticed that when in need of the facilities, I invariably 'nip' to the loo. I don't 'pop', nor do I 'go'. I 'nip'.

There is something frightfully, curtain twitchingly apologetic and and coy about this. I do not like it (plus 'nipping' implies a degree of speed that, as I get older, is not quite accurate). It needs to be replaced and I feel that a degree of alliteration may help.

If I were male I could point percy at the porcelain but I'm not.

So henceforth I may:

  • lurch towards the lavatory
  • totter to the toilet
  • feck off to the facilities
  • creep off to the cludgies
  • make a kamikaze strike on the khazi
  • bugger off to the bog
  • reel off to the restroom
  • slouch towards the sanitaryware
  • shuffle to the shitter
  • crawl to the conveniences
  • wander off to the WC
  • piss off to the pissoir
  • clear off to the comfort station
  • pootle to the potty

and so on. Any further suggestions?

Update: when travelling one can of course head to the heads.

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

The Scottish person's guide to heavenly phenomena

  • Northern Lights - full cloud cover
  • Solar eclipse - full cloud cover
  • Lunar eclipse - full cloud cover
  • Supermoon - full cloud cover
  • Meteor shower - full cloud cover.

Still, I suppose it saves me from blinding myself on Friday.

Thursday, 27 November 2014

Hot air

I've been known to boast on a number of occasions that I have seen the Northern Lights from my spare bedroom window. I'm moving shortly and have picked a new place to still have a view north for this very reason.

Turns out it's Grangemouth Oil Refinery flaring off.

Saturday, 29 March 2014

Up, down

I attempted an experiment yesterday. Everything I noticed I had to find something nice to comment on. So I spent several hours going nice ring, nice church, nice hairdo, nice bag, nice architecture, nice nose, nice beard*, nice posture, nice hands and so on and it did actually lift the mood. Then I had a text argument with a colleague (a different one this time) and it all dissipated. I think in future I'm simply going to ignore all criticism, justified or not, on the basis that 95% of it is not. I will not get angry, nor will I argue about it. By and large I won't alter my behaviour either. It will be as water off a duck's back. That seems like a nice compromise. I stay mellow, they get to avoid engagement with the person who always has to have the last word.

* I'm not entirely sure what is fuelling the current craze for beards but I'm enjoying it, especially when it's reasonably full and is accompanied by a short back and sides, hipster cardigan and brogues. A few weeks ago I did a workshop with someone who had replaced the world's worst facial topiary (cross between a soul patch and a brazilian, no moustache) with a full set and had suddenly morphed from ludicrous to rather interesting.

Friday, 21 March 2014

Well crap

My vision has been horrible recently so I rang Ultralase to get a follow up appointment and it's gone into administration. So much for the lifetime aftercare guarantee. The 'new' Ultralase which is owned by a competitor appears not to honour the guarantee as far as I can tell and there's no longer an Edinburgh branch either.

Also given that the primary reason for getting the surgery in the first place was vanity related so (don't tell me, I know I'm stupid and shallow) so I could finally look reasonable and get a boyfriend and I still don't have one, I feel thoroughly fecked off at my own idiocy and their shoddiness.